Hello. This is a story by Angus. NOT ME! Anyway. Yes. ummm... yes. I better let you all just read. Hmm. yes. Eek.
By Angus J. K. McPherson
I began slowly getting up from beneath the covers of my bed today. I was confused and tired as the previous night I had not slept well. Firstly Christy my neighbour's blind bitch (female dog) was barking all night. My neighbour warned us the other week of this as we think she maybe on heat at the moment. To quote my neighbour my dog is so blind and keen for sex that she would even go a cat from behind if it didn't meow. Then after my mind began immune to the wild howling and screaming from next door I thought I had a chance to sleep. WRONG, at this stage my mind became stimulated with the thought of Google, yes that's right when I am alone in a darkened bedroom and could be sleeping I was thinking of Google. I wondered how this new lack of page rank was going to affect this websites hits. I was worried that if I typed, "Emma is Sexy Goddess" into Google that my secret website devoted to the amazing princess Emma may come up. I was spooked that Emma would know that I have taken many photos of her with out her knowing as she walks home in school uniform. But then I thought, it will be alright, the next morning with the push of a few buttons the site will be deleted. My entire plan was betting on the fact Emma wouldn't be online midnight, but who knows, Emma can be very geeky at times.
Anyway, after I had now been thinking about Emma for an entire two hours my mind became weary, but my bowels were not. This was a complicated process, I had to strip the covers off my bed, then drop my satin pyjama pants and silk underwear then discharge all the crap building up in my life. After that I remember the graffiti slogan on the back of the toilet door at school. "If you are reading this then you are doing a crap. Remember to wash, wipe and flush." Thankfully I also remembered that the student who wrote that got it around the wrong order too.
The time for sleep was now upon me, I don't remember much about my dreams except one very random scene in vivid detail. Shane Nolan was dressed in princess leia's metal bikini whilst sitting legs spread on top of Karma the friendly elephant. I couldn't understand if the elephant was doing a happy or angry dance. Either way its trunk was erected high in the sky and blowing our water and its feet were passionately stamping the ground in rhythm to each explosion of water. I tried calling out to Master Nolan to see if he wanted help but the words weren't coming out of my mouth. I looked down at my body to find I was naked, in fact I was more than just naked, I was snaking slithering along the ground like a well lubricated piece of machine. Then suddenly the elephant began to run away into the distance, he was too fast to try and chase.
That was my dream, which now brings me back to getting out of bed confused and tired, wondering if that was a nightmare or wet dream which I didn't manage to get it up for. I am choosing to move on with my day and feel as though some much needed breakfast comprising of thick buttery pancakes smothers in honey along side a serving of hot sausages all flushed down by a strawberry milkshake will go a treat.
Yes. That was Angus' story. I hope you all enjoyed that. And I can't believe I just posted it. Oh my gosh. What have I become?
- Em xoxo
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